“This Is Part of Our Story…”

Well, Maybe This Is Just Part of Our Story

One of my husband’ s favorite things to say is, “Well maybe this is just part of our story.”

In the past 3 years, during and after cancer, some of our biggest arguments have started with this statement. I know, I know, you must be thinking that what he said is a very kind thing to say, but to me, it can sometimes seem like “giving in” to our current struggle. Not fighting something- but just accepting it. I can sometimes hear it as “This is part of our story, so let’s just accept this and not try and fight against it…”

While we have battled these thoughts and statements over the past 3 years, I know he is right much of the time. Yes, Josh Taylor, you have this in writing,—you are right— sometimes:)

I remember one time last year when I was having miserable headaches. I, of course, was scared of a cancer recurrence. I could’t sleep, eat, drink, etc… I remember being hysterical one night in the car and Josh saying, “Well maybe this is part of our story. Maybe this is just another cost.” WHAAAATTT??? I went ballistic. What I heard him saying was that I might be sick again, or that God was using this to grow our story (even though that’s not what he was meaning).

When I am controlled by fear, most anything I hear and see can be seen through a “fear lens” which is scary in and of itself. I know fear is not of God and we are not to be controlled by it. Having experienced true fear, I can honestly say that it is such a dark, dark place to find yourself.

When Josh said statements like this, I became extremely defensive and hurt. This often created distance and frustration between the two of us.

I’m Tired of This Being a Part of our Story

I remember when my arm started swelling up this summer because of my lymphedema. I was devastated. I had gone two years without any notably terrible swelling and now I was dealing with pain and an ugly swollen arm. I didn’t want to leave the house. It was 90 something degrees in July and I wanted to wear a jacket to cover my big arm. Josh asked me about it and I told him it was because of my swollen arm. He gets on a tangent of telling me that me showing it is a way to tell our story- to show that I don’t find my beauty in anything else but Christ.

I remember him saying something along the lines of me showing young girls of how I don’t find my beauty outwardly— um, GAG!!! He was so right, but soooo wrong and not what I wanted to hear.

Then, of course, we had our fertility struggles. One of the most heartbreaking things for me has been going back and watching the tape of us finding out we weren’t pregnant after our IVF cycle. We had the video camera all set up to catch our reactions of learning we were pregnant. Our doctor called and we hurriedly sat in our living room ready to catch the exciting news on tape.

Well, as you all know, we learned that we weren’t pregnant. I didn’t realize it, but the video camera was recording the entire hour or so after we didn’t find out. Through all my weeping, and questioning, and just a lot of hugging and tears.

When I learned that the video camera had been filming. I said, “Oh, Josh, did you know this was still recording?” And he said, “Yes. I knew whatever we heard, it would be part of our story.” Gag, gag, and gag again.

Yes, I get tired of it being a “part of our story.” Why can’t “our story” be one that is “typical”, free of sickness, hardship, trouble, infertility, pain, worry???

And aren’t there so many misconceptions in that statement?! That a “typical” life is free of those things! So not true- oh the lies we tell ourself! The lies we choose to believe straight from Satan—makes me mad!!! And even as I think those types of things, I know our suffering pales in comparison to so many others…

I, of course, don’t know the answer to why we have gone through suffering like we have. And yes, I wish our life was “easier.” But I will embrace my story. If I just looked at my life and the hardships we’ve endured without trusting in my creator and friend, I would literally crumble. Seriously.

Embracing My Story

I’ve known incredible pain and I’ve known immense joy.

It is all a part of my story. Because the pain has been so deep, I know the joy will be that much more.

Life is such a crazy ride. Glad I know who is directing it, and yes, it’s all a part of our story, even when I want to kick JT for saying that.

Amazing watching and living this story unfolding,

Aly