Where Do I “Fit”?
This is a place I find myself lately. Or, I guess over our entire marriage I have struggled with this, but more here lately. Let me explain:
When I got married at 19, there were barely any other 19 year old married girls out there! For good reason, I imagine, as I was an exception to the rule of getting married so young. I met the one whom my soul loved and wanted to begin my life with him as soon as possible, and boy am I glad I did!
But there were times it was difficult. Finding other married couples that were young like us was a struggle. When we lived in Alabama when first married, we joined a small group at church. We were put in a married couple small group (which we LOVED) and it was filled with late 20’s, early 30- something couples. Sure, we felt a little on the outs with me being in school, living in an apartment, no kids etc, but they welcomed us. We have always found ourselves connecting better with older couples.
I remember most topics being about kid raising and one of the couples needing prayer for infertility issues. It was so great to feel wanted and connected, but we didn’t “fit” quite well, just because of our life circumstances looking different than most married couples.
When we moved back to West Monroe, we joined another small group at our home church! Still, we were the youngest couple but had actually been married longer than some! It was truly one of our best groups of friendship looking back and those relationships are still there today. Soon everyone in the group started having children- which was amazing and exciting! At that time, we knew it wasn’t God’s timing for us, so we welcomed other’s little ones and rejoiced with our friends.
As different mom’s bible study groups and issues about parent rearing came along, I could tell that many of my friends were in a quandary as to whether invite me to those discussions or not, since I wasn’t a mom yet. Honestly, I totally understood and knew that they needed to have “mommy time”, but as I generally am now, I got used to being the only one that wasn’t a mommy. And I don’t say that in a “sad” or “feel sorry for me” way. It was just the truth and I accepted that. But, yes, I often times felt like I didn’t quite “fit.”
Accepting Where I Am
Where do I fit? How do I fit? Even in our society with people marrying later, often times, many couples haven’t been married for 8 years without children! Especially in my circle of friends.
Then, cancer comes. Yes, CANCER, at age 24. One of the main reasons I continue writing this blog is because I often times felt so alone in my cancer struggle. There was just little to no hope, nor stories of people who fought and beat breast cancer at my age.
I would finally find a story about someone as young as me, just to learn that the end of her story was an untimely death.Therefore, I pray that my writing encourages other young fighters that there is HOPE in Jesus.
Here I was again- I just didn’t fit. I have the best friends and family in the world, but they just could’t understand. I had several friends who were cancer survivors and they could understand. The mental battle of living vs. dying. Of faith vs. fear. Of hoping in a future or giving in to a limited-timed life…I still just didn’t fit in.
I mean, where do 24- year- old breast cancer patients fit in?!
So, here I find myself today. In a much more normal spot. I am working, married for 8 years to my husband, have amazing support by family and friends and still at times feel like I don’t fit. I see “mommy friendships” form and wish I could have those. I understand there is a bond there between mothers and conversation is easier for people going through potty training or discipline, where my life is much less “exciting”!
To add to it, being a therapist, everything I do is confidential, so while other people can discuss work issues, when someone asks how work is, I typically respond with “great”, “good”, “it’s been tough”…as I can’t go into detail of people I have seen and treated.
My “Ill-Fit” is Nothing Comparatively Speaking
The funny thing in all this is I “fit in” more than so many in our society.
There are homeless people, poor people, those in jail that feel and often are forgotten.
There are single parents who can’t find a church because all the church small groups revolve in couple settings.
There are widows or widowers that can’t stand to be around happy couples because the pain is far too deep. Where do they fit in?
There are those ridden with shame and guilt who feel condemned and judged if people ever knew the “real” them.
There are those in a marriage so hurtful and been a part of abuse for so long that they can’t fathom opening up to anyone, so they just stay in their dark hole. Sadly, they find comfort there.
There are those who so badly want to be married but are determined not to “settle”. Therefore they are lonely and want to “fit in” with other married couples, but not at the expense of marrying less than God’s best. So they just wait and often feel they don’t “fit.”
I could literally go on and on with examples of people who don’t “fit in”- whatever that really means- WAYYYY more than me.
Pressing In To My “Ill-Fit”
At this time in my life, I am trying to relish in the “not fitting in.” This uncomfortableness I feel at times–it draws me near to God.
No one can really understand. And while yes, that hurts at times. There is only one who does.
It makes me run to Him.
It makes me experience a relationship He so desires that others miss when they “fit in.”
“You can be sure of this: The LORD set apart the godly for himself. The LORD will answer when I call to him.” Psalm 4:3
I know one day I will “fit in” more than I do now, but may I never lose sight of running to the only one who can remind me of WHERE I fit- in the kingdom of God. It is only there that I find true acceptance and meaning. Even in those times that I feel like I fit in in some way, it doesn’t hold a candle to the way I feel when my Savior reminds me of who I am and the value he sees in me.
In Jesus, in His kingdom, I fit perfectly.
Not in mommyhood.
Or in marriage.
Or in prosperity.
Or in health.
Or in happiness.
JESUS. That is where I fit in. Guess what? That’s where you fit in, too.
Running to Him during the times I “fit” and the times I feel alone,
Aly
8 Comments
Aly, you are amazing, you are strong, you are a child of God.. You fit in perfectly in God’s plan. He has GREAT things planned for you. You come from strong parents, so glad I knew your family while you were in Lafayette.
You probably remember Elmo, my husband, he was the “candy man” when you were little.
Stay strong and may God bless you in your Christiam walk.
Guyla Hubble
Yes, Ms. Guyla- I remember you guys:) Thank you for reminding me of who I am and where I fit. I remember this most of the time, but I can never get too many reminders. Thank you SO much for your encouragement!
When one finds herself walking alone there is a good possibility that she is leading, going in the right direction, prompting others to follow her and the One whom she follows.
Wow- love this! So, so, so good.
I can totally agree with what you say, but from the other end. When we got married I was 31 and she was 29. They couldn’t ever figure out what Sunday School class to put us in. We were always way older than the other newly weds. At school events, we were always the oldest couple helping out. Just never seemed to fit right. The ultimate was walking into a fast food restaurant with my daughter and someone saying ” oh, is that your granddaughter?” But it all worked out and now we get to enjoy our grandchildren. You’ll find out that the older you get, the less the age difference matters!!! Thanks for blogging!
You are so right, Mr. Wayne. As we get older, the age gap isn’t so much. The funny thing is, most of us feel we don’t fit at sometime or another. Now you guys will stay young running after those grandbabies:)
We are SO thankful for this time we have had together- just the 2 of us. There are definite perks to being a bit older than most when having kids. You guys are such a blessing!
Aly, Thank you so much for keeping up with your blog because you are right there are many that need to hear your words. Your trials may seem to be yours only but others have had the same type of trials and bothers. I spend a good 90% of my life not fitting in. I also try to embrace it but as I do I often see how that pulls me away from my true self. I may not love being me and having my trials but I so LOVE and ADORE the GOD who is ALWAYS with me in them and through this life. Keep strong and keep fighting the good fight. WE are with you!
Thank you sweet Alisha…you are amazing. I’ve come to realize that we all don’t “fit” in some way or another. I have to trust it all draws us to the one who can satisfy like none other. Thank you for sharing and I am so thankful you are my friend!