I have been cancer free for SIX YEARS!!!
It seriously is mind-blowing to me. Just as most people who have faced hardship in their life, it can seem like it was so long ago, and then there are days where it feels like I was just going through treatment.
I will never forget that day of our oncologist walking into the room to give us the results from my mastectomy surgery.
That day when I was told I was cancer-free. April 30, 2012.
You see, this was not news to be “expected.”
Just one week before, I had a bilateral mastectomy and basically slept the week away while people would wake me up to eat, go to the bathroom, and empty my drains.
I had 5 drains under my shirt and literally felt like I couldn’t move my arms. I envisioned my chest hurting badly after this surgery, but for me, it was my arms that hurt so badly, like in my arm pits. I assume that was from the lymph nodes being taken out and having the tissue expanders behind my chest muscles.
But, that week was a pivotal week in not only my cancer status, but in my marriage.
I was in so much pain, and Josh and our moms were taking care of me around the clock. Emptying my drains, wound care—all the things no one wants to do, but they were all wanting to do it, as it was me they were doing it for. How can I ever repay them?
As I became a bit more lucid, we knew we were going to travel to Houston a week from my surgery to get my results back from my mastectomy. We were told there was less than a 20% chance that I would be cancer-free when they tested the tissue from my mastectomy. I had an ultrasound right before surgery that still showed “cancer appearing” cells.
As we were getting ready to go to Houston, my faith started rising. I was in a lot of pain, but I just keep praying. I kept believing. I kept praying for God to grow my faith, even though we were given slim chances of being cancer-free.
I remember envisioning walking into the doctor’s office and her telling me I was cancer-free. That may have been silly, because we knew the odds were against us, but I just had so much faith. I was trusting so much and knew if these results were cancer-free, it would change my life forever.
While I was building my faith and envisioning this, Josh was doing the opposite. Of course, he was praying and believing for my complete healing, but not in the way I was.
He, by nature, is a worst-case scenario planner. He isn’t a pessimist, but he just thinks about the worst thing that could happen, and if he has a plan for that if it happens, it actually helps him to know what he would do.
Whether that is bankruptcy, or a vehicle breaking down, or a work deal not going through——he just plans in his head for the worst that can happen, and if he can know that we’ll be okay if that happens- it gives him peace.
Let’s just say I don’t operate that way!
And in many areas of life, it is good to think that way.
Well, as we were getting close to my appointment at MD Anderson to learn of my cancer-status, we were laying in bed just talking. Josh began talking to me about what the doctor said. She explained to us before my mastectomy that there was a good chance I would have to go through some type of additional treatment, and he was talking through what those options might be.
I literally felt myself getting really hot. And not from the medication I was taking, but I realized I was about to have to say something really pointed to Josh. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I knew I had to say something hard.
I stopped him mid-sentence and said, “Josh, you are not fully believing I am healed.”
I remember there just being silence. I’m sure he felt offended. I am sure he felt like I had no clue what he was doing or feeling as he was seeing me looking like this.
He was praying, begging God for me to be healed, and I am sure I could have come off in a way of not considering his feelings—and I am also sure he was trying to be careful with his words because he knew I was in a fragile state.
I told him I needed him to stop with all of the back-up plans. I knew he was trying to be wise, and he was planning what we would do if the results were less than what we were hoping for, but all it was doing was weakening my faith.
I needed him to look at me and tell me I was healed. I needed him to believe 100% with me.
That was scary for him.
That was scary for me.
But we chose foolish faith.
We made a decision that day that God would walk us through the plans if I wasn’t healed. But he had to stop making all of the back up plans before we knew anything.
Josh always says that day was a “turn-around” day for him. He realized he hadn’t been fully believing. He was trying to protect himself. He was trying to protect me.
Instead, on that day, we decided to fully believe together and trust God to protect us—who are we to think we can protect ourselves more than he can, anyway?
As we ventured to Houston, there was no more back-up plan talk. It was simply believing.
As the doctor walked into our room, she had a giddy look on her face. She had another doctor with her that I hadn’t seen before, and honestly, when another doctor had previously come in our room, it was bad news.
We asked her, “Well, is it good news?
And she said, “No, it’s perfect.”
She said,” I wanted to invite the pharmacist in who wrote your prescriptions for your treatment so he could meet you.”
They were in awe.
Josh and I were blubbering idiots.
I just kept saying,” Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus!”
And we just hugged and cried.
I remember Josh doing a loud ugly cry. I don’t think he said a word. And the doctor preceded to tell us that we would continue on with radiation to just be safe, but no additional treatments were needed because of this news. We don’t remember anything else she said.
As she left that room, we wept and praised our God.
And I am so thankful I spoke the hard things to Josh that day laying in bed, because I needed his faith to be foolish.
I needed us to trust God wholeheartedly-together.
Had the news not been that I was cancer free, the Lord would have carried us.
He would have helped us figure it all out—but not fully believing and coming up with backup plans was not fully trusting. At least for me it wasn’t.
I am a firm believer in letting the Holy Spirit convict.
I also believe there are situations in which we must speak truth- always in love. The Holy Spirit convicted me in this moment to speak truth to Josh. Hard truth.
What hard things do you need to tell someone today?
How do you navigate letting the Holy Spirit convict hearts, but also speaking truth into someone’s life?
This is tricky, but I encourage you to spend time in prayer about this. That conversation was a turn around moment in our faith forever.
Lord, teach us when to speak. Teach us when to be silent. Teach us how to speak truth, and teach us when to allow the Holy Spirit do what only He can do.
Thank you Lord for April 30, 2012 when it was made evident that I was healed and whole.
Living every day ABUNDANTLY and in foolish faith,
Aly