Our first night alone with our baby girl was amazing. She was (and is) so so good! We took shifts feeding her every 3 hours, and she did awesome.
The birth mom told us that she would come and get her first thing Saturday morning, so I was preparing for her to be knocking at our door at daylight. It was 9:30 and we still had her with us.
I was wondering where she was, but I wasn’t complaining! She ended up texting me later that morning, asking us to bring her to her room.
And of course, we were happy to. Who would have thought that we would actually have a night alone with her in the hospital? We were so grateful to the birth mom for that.
One of the things I’ve had to grieve along the way of infertility were the selfish things- me not going through labor, not breast feeding, and even little things like not being in the hospital after our baby was born, or being able to bond right after she was born- but God was giving us so many of these things- we were in amazement, even in the midst of such uncertainty.
But, as we have described, all of these unexpected gifts were wonderful, but if the end result was us not going home with his precious gift, I wasn’t so sure I would take all of these things as “gifts” as we were growing so connected to her.
So, let me get back to us bringing her to her birth mom’s room that Saturday morning. We brought her in there, visited with the birth mom some, and then she asked if we would feed her.
Of course, YES! We then left to give her some privacy. We were just so thankful it was Saturday. Regardless, we would know something today.
The 48 hour wait was everything people talk about and more. Our heart had been pulled out of our chest and we were ready to know whether to start repairing it (if that is even possible) or if we could now fully give it to this precious baby girl.
Today was THE day. Or so we thought.
So, as our baby was with her birth mom, a doctor comes and visits our room.
For one, this was such an answered prayer! We had felt so out of the loop medically, because legally and technically, doctors and nurses couldn’t tell us anything that was going on—adoption related or the health of the baby related, because we had no legal ties to the baby.
First off this doctor calmed our fears and told us that the baby was perfectly healthy! Praise Jesus! Of course, she seemed perfect to us, but to have a medical professional tell us this- so many prayers answered in that one report.
He then tells us that the birth mom would be discharged in a matter of hours (if that long) and the baby would be discharged too.
This is what we were praying for. We would have a decision today, and we were praying that we could take her home with us!
Then I thought, “Wait, what?!!!” I was thinking, “The baby discharged??!!! Like going home with her birth mom?” We hadn’t had a final conversation with her to see if that was her final decision, and we were surprised that it was happening so fast.
After that doctor left, we had a plethora of nurses explain that they weren’t sure what was going to happen to the baby. This whole time I thought there were two options- the baby could go home with us, or the baby would go home with the birth mother, and I was learning quickly that that wasn’t the case. This was a highly unusual case.
Here is what we learned in a matter of minutes:
The birth mother was majorly wavering. Even if she chose to not go through with the adoption, we weren’t sure where the baby would go.
So, since Friday, when the birth mother started having serious interest in not placing her baby with us, there was a whole team of people trying to figure out where the baby would go.
I was BLOWN away! Of course I was thinking, if the baby wasn’t going with her birth mom, please let her go with us!
But we were trying to understand that the birth mom, too, fell in love with this baby and was just trying to figure out what to do, and of course now was emotionally connected.
I was still in disbelief of all of this!
Out of all the possible scenarios I had worked out in my mind that would happen, I just hadn’t ever imagined that this baby might not go with us or her birth mother.
So, Saturday morning was filled with lots of conversations with our attorney, nurses, hospital staff- us researching policies. And it all led to one thing- it was completely our birth mother’s decision and the state of Florida.
We had no say unless the birth mother chose adoption.
So, even though the birth mother and the baby were being discharged Saturday, the baby had to stay at the hospital because so much was in the air on where she would go.
The baby would stay at the hospital until Monday when an official decision would be made.
About 10 minutes after receiving this news, the birth mother comes into our hospital room with the baby. She explains that she is still really conflicted, but that she will have until Monday to make a decision because of everything that was going on.
She was relieved to have more time, and we were just really confused. But, we showed her love nonetheless.
God gave us such love for her, even when we sometimes wanted to scream. We love this woman and her family. As bad as we were hurting, we knew she was hurting so badly too.
She had the choice to let the baby stay in the NICU over the weekend, or to stay in the nurses’ station where we could see the baby, and she chose that- PRAISE GOD!
So, the birth mom left the hospital, and our baby was still there, and so were we. The hospital allowed us to continue staying there as there were rooms available- once again, God’s favor was in every part of this.
However, we had no further hope that she would really be ours. We just knew that now we were to wait until Monday to see what our birth mom and the state decided. At any point though, she could still sign the paperwork.
I really think that another couple would have run at this point. They may have felt like they were being strung along, but I really trusted our birth mother and her family.
I believed the best in them. I knew they wanted what was best for the baby, but I knew their hearts and heads were conflicted.
So, we just continued to fight for this precious soul. Saturday was a tough, but wonderful day. The baby had to stay in the nursery, but we could go in there at any time to feed her or rock her, which meant one of us were in there all day.
Josh’s dad came in town on Saturday and we were all able to go back in the nursery to love her and to feed her.
It was so good to have family there.
One of us was always at the hospital. The nurses and staff encouraged us to leave, but I couldn’t fathom that. I had no appetite. I just had to see her, have my hands and eyes on her, pray for her, sing to her, and let her know she was loved, never left alone, never forgotten. Leaving, even for a minute wasn’t an option.
Meanwhile. we became really close to the hospital staff and nurses. They were incredible. They had been on this emotional roller coaster with us.
Knowing that the birth mom was wavering. Seeing us fall in love with this baby girl, them not being able to tell us anything, being supportive of us all – I didn’t envy their position.
But all the time we were spending during the day in the nursery allowed us time to get close to those nurses.
Throughout the entire time, we learned later that they would gather together and pray for the entire situation. Even when they could not tell us what was happening or how conflicted they felt, they prayed for this baby girl’s future.
I’m sure you parents can relate. If someone is for your kids, you love them, no questions asked. And that is how we felt about this nursing staff.
Even though our parents were able to visit some, most of the time we were at the hospital alone. But the nurses were there, and their support, prayers, and just company made a HUGE difference in this journey.
The birth mom contacted us and let us know that she would be at the hospital first thing Sunday morning. We began having people pray that when she came to the hospital Sunday morning she would have wisdom and clarity on her decision.
If she chose this, there would be no reason to wait for Monday.
We were able to spend a great deal of quality time with our baby that night.
Our nurses would offer to keep her so we could get some more sleep, but we would just tell them- we have prayed and prayed for these sleepless nights. She was just dreamy and perfect in every way.
We waited on the edge of our seats awaiting for the birth mom to show up at the hospital. She said she would be there first thing Sunday morning. We prayed, “Oh God, please help this waiting be over! Give her clarity and help this roller coaster ride come to a screeching halt!” Overall, we prayed for this baby and her future.
Important to Remember – Any wavering on behalf of the birth mother was 100% due to her love for the baby. We know that and understand that her love for this baby is what helped us arrive at this point in the first place.