Our Adoption Journey- Day 2

Day Two

It was March 13th, and our alarm goes off at 5 am. We had already decided that Josh would take the first shift of going to see if our baby was in the nursery. We knew the birth mom wasn’t feeling well, and that there was a good chance the baby was moved to the nursery, which was right next to our room. I was on the hospital bed and Josh was on the couch.

I hear the alarm go off and I roll over to turn it off. The only problem is that I forget I am in a hospital bed, without the railing and I roll right out of bed on my back! Oh my goodness- the bike and now the bed!!!!! I am literally on the floor groaning and trying to yell to Josh to turn off the alarm.

Josh is completely unaware that the alarm is beeping until I yell his name and he thinks people are are shooting at him. After the bed fall and the apparent bullets, Josh moseyed on over to the nursery. She wasn’t in there. So we just kept taking shifts each hour to see if she was in there.

Later that morning, I contacted the birth mom, and she said we could come over to her room to see and feed the baby. That was so wonderful. We got to spend time with the birth mom and got to hold our sweet girl. The birth mom was so gracious with us spending time with her. I treasured that.

I knew that this decision would be the most difficult decision of her life, but all signs were looking good. She was allowing us to spend time with the baby, had allowed us to be in the delivery room, was keeping us updated on everything—of course, we were still nervous, but we were feeling positive about it all.

Any chance I had, I was either on stand by to go in the birth mom’s room and love on the baby, or I was at the nursery staring at her.

I called our attorney that morning to discuss the next steps that would take place. The birth mom had 48 hours to sign. However, if she was discharged before the 48 hours, she could sign at that point as well. We were praying she would get discharged quickly, so this baby could quickly become a Taylor!

I talked with our attorney that morning, and he confirmed that all signs were positive. The fact that she was allowing us in her hospital room, getting to spend good time with the baby, we were in the room for the delivery—all of these things were indicative of a positive adoption plan.

So, yes there were still worries there that she wouldn’t be ours, but we felt positive about everything.

It was Friday afternoon, and we knew that at the latest, the next day (Saturday), the birth mom would either choose to sign the paperwork or not. We were halfway through the waiting process.

One of my adoptive mom friends said, “You will be able to tell people that you have broken a record in breath holding. You will know what it’s like to hold your breath for 48 hours.”

Oh, we were ready for Saturday to come and go! And it was Friday. We were getting closer.

About 2 o clock that afternoon I received a call from the birth mom’s mom. She calls me somewhat panicked as she explains that the birth mom is wanting to keep the baby. Without telling too many details, the birth grandma explains that they are preparing to bring her home.

My heart sank. Literally I almost ran to the bathroom to throw up. My appetite was completely gone (and I’m still working on getting it back).

I knew that this was normal. I knew she would want to keep this baby! I knew she was a loving mother! She didn’t want to place her child for adoption. She wasn’t giving her to us because she wanted to, but because she felt it was the best for the baby.

I knew that her changing her mind was a possibility, but to see it actually playing out, and that it was a real possibility— I have no words to describe it.

I just kept thinking that even though she now believed she would keep this baby, we had talked so many times about how the best thing for this baby would be for us to parent her. And that was coming from her.

I tried to keep my faith strong, but my heart had literally been pulled out of my chest and all we could do was wait until the following day, the 48 hours.

Josh was out of the room when the birth grandma called, so when he got back, I told him everything. He calmed me and reassured me that this is normal and we need not worry too much.

What we didn’t know was that this wasn’t completely normal and that our attorney of over 200 adoptions would later qualify this as a “very unusual case.”

Meanwhile, I ended up discussing with our mental health counselor that the birth mom was wavering majorly. He comes up to the hospital to have a counseling session with her. Beforehand, he comes by our room and our attorney just happens to call while he was there.

We are all on conference call as our attorney explains that the birth mom is not only wavering, but is making real, concrete decisions to not place her baby with us. As we are all a part of this conversation, I am just trying to hold it together- is this really happening? It just was so surreal. But the feelings were so strong.

Our mental health counselor was then there kind of preparing us for the worst. He had nothing positive to say. We both cried and just sat in silence, as all we could do was wait.

As bad as we were hurting, we had to remember and pray for the birth mom. I cannot imagine what she was going through. Overall, we wanted this baby to be where she needed to be.

From this point forward, Josh took over my phone. I couldn’t handle the back and forth with our attorney, our counselor, the birth mom and grandma.

I was emotionally done. I was so numb-feeling.

I just wanted to go fly away somewhere, hide my head under a pillow and pretend this wasn’t really happening.

The rest of the afternoon was spent with little communication from the birth mom, which of course, furthered our fretfulness. We still made trips to the nursery every hour or so and was elated when we saw the baby every time.

But, an emotional shift began happening, as we wondered if she would even be ours.

Meanwhile, our moms were on their way to come see us and the baby. That morning, they were on the road and the phone conversation was full of screams and “Yays!”

To think of now having to make that call and tell them the current situation was heartbreaking.

Quite honestly, I am just tired of giving people bad news. This was supposed to be a happy moment. This was supposed to be the culmination of faith, the moment I had dreamed of. Of hugging our family and telling our moms they were grandmas.

Instead, we meet them at Panera for dinner and the mood is less than peppy. It was still good to have them there. To have the emotional support. But, to be honest, it was really hard to leave the hospital. That was the first time we left the baby there.

I was ready to get back there.

That night the birth mom agreed to give us a hospital bracelet that would allow us to spend time alone with the baby. Up until that point, the birth mom had to be with us when we were with her.

The birth mom was really tired. So, the baby was either going to spend the night in the nursery or she could spend it with us if we got the hospital band.

We had prayed so hard that we could spend more time with this baby, whether she would come home with us or not. And guess what, she was spending the night in our hospital room. Yes, you read that right, OUR ROOM!!!!!!!!

As excited as we were, there was still the thought, the real, rational thought that maybe she was allowing us to do this because she knew she was about to keep her forever.

The birth mom has the biggest heart in the world. So, that was not far from the equation that she might allow us to spend that one-on-one time with us to be kind.

Nonetheless, we took that sweet girl in our room with us and we were in absolute heaven. We were about to have one of the best nights of our lives, getting to bond with this sweet baby.

One of the most bittersweet moments thus far, having no idea how much more bittersweet it would get.

Until tomorrow,

Aly