I Love Josh More Than Genevieve

Yep, I said it. I love Josh more than I love our daughter. Yep, it pains me to say it, because I love her more than words could possibly ever express, but I choose to love her daddy more than her each day, even if there are days where I feel like I love her more. We have tried, even at 5 months old, to teach her and show her the order of God, marriage, family, and everything else, but it is hard. Especially when she is in the sweetest phase ever!

I know this post will rub some people the wrong way, and that’s okay. If you don’t agree with me, that’s okay too. It’s okay to disagree, but I’m just telling you what we wholeheartedly believe in and will attempt to teach our daughter from her earliest memories.

I HATE being away from Genevieve. Even for a second, but I do it. Not for extended periods of time, but I do it. Sometimes I force myself to.

It is important for me to have alone time, for me to have alone time with God, and for me to have one-on-one time with Josh.

We have left her with family members and friends, and it is tough each time, but I know it’s for her own good. I know it is good to give others some time to bond with her, and it is good for me to know myself outside of “mommy.” I think being a mommy is one of my biggest callings in this life, but it is not THE calling. Remember my post “I’m not meant to be a mother”?

You see, as a counselor I have seen couples and new moms really struggle with this. The thought of being away from their kids- the tremendous guilt they feel coupled with just being so in love with their kids that they don’t want to spend a minute away from them- I GET IT! I totally do. I just think everything is better when Genevieve is in it. It has been a learning experience so far of making sure I am taking care of me and my marriage while all my attention is on this little life that I don’t want to be away from for a second.

The good news is I think that the best of me can be given to her when I am taking care of my marriage and myself.

Josh and I just celebrated 9 years of marriage- yes, you read that right! 9 YEARS! I can hardly believe it! We really wanted to go somewhere for a weekend getaway, but we were trying to save a little money, so we decided to have a little “Staycation.” My mom kept Genevieve for us for the weekend while we spent quality time together. We watched Netflix, went for some walks, baked some cakes, went out to eat, and just spent some time together without spit up, diaper changes, and the prettiest little face looking back at us (which we missed, by the way).

I know it’s controversial, but we need that. We needed that. And I didn’t necessarily think we needed that because we were doing just fine. We had not reached a point where we thought, “Oh my goodness! We need some time to ourselves!”

But what I think putting each other first does is shield us from somewhat getting to the place of desperately needing that time away. Taking care of ourselves and our relationship with God and each other enough to where we don’t get to that desperate place of needing to “get away.” And if we do, that’s just fine, and we will.

But I want Genevieve to always know I love her daddy more.

I remember my parents telling me when I was little that they loved each other more than they loved me. I remember that hurting my feelings! How could you love each other more than me?!?

But what I didn’t know then, and what I know now is that is the best thing they could ever do.

I want more than anything for Genevieve to find her identity in Christ (not in this world, or in her talents, looks, passions, etc), and then I pray she finds a man who will lead her and adore her. We know from Scripture that this type of relationship with God and then with our spouse gives us the best chance at living the ABUNDANT life!

I few weeks ago, we went to the beach with my side of the family. I left a little early and left Genevieve with Josh for a few days. That was the hardest thing ever. I missed her so much. I missed him so much. But I knew it would be good for Josh to have some bonding time with her. I admit it. I am a little bit of a baby hog and I normally am the diaper changer, bottle feeder, play with her person.

Let’s just say Josh was “dad of the year” as people looked on in amazement at him taking care of her by himself. But, I wish that wasn’t such an accomplishment. Sometimes as moms, we need to let our husbands take care of the babies not only for bonding and appreciating all we do:), but to give ourselves a break (even though we don’t want it) and to let our child see the teamwork that a marriage is.

I know people have different ways of parenting. Different strategies work for lots of people. Yes, my PhD is in Marriage and Family Therapy. I know lots about marriage and families, but I am a new parent. Another world is opened up when it happens to you! But I have seen too many couples pulled away from each other after a child is born, or an exhausted mother who hasn’t taken care of herself, or a marriage where passion is non-existent. I am trying my hardest not to be that, but it seriously could slip away so easily while all my attention is on my little love!

And when I do take time for God, for myself or for my marriage, I know that those little eyes are watching, even now.

So, yes, my sweet Genevieve Rose, I love you more than anything or anyone in the whole wide world, except your daddy.

Encouraging you to love your spouse more,

Aly