I will never forget when I went down to be prayed for at a church during my cancer treatment in Houston. It was early on in my cancer journey, and I told the prayer partner my story. I asked for prayers for my complete healing. I asked for prayers for my emotions, for my family, for my husband, all through tears and I’m sure muddled words.
I will never forget that woman looking at me, grabbing my face and saying, “Darling, you are healed and you are whole.” I remember thinking, “Um, no I’m not. I have cancer. Do I need to show you the doctor’s report?”
She then continued to speak more and it made more sense, although it was still confusing to me. She said, “You must walk in faith honey. You are healed. You are whole. I want you to start saying that. I want you to start saying that out loud. Will you start saying that?”
I think I just nodded my head through tears.
She explained to me that I needed to grow my faith. She shared with me the scripture that says that faith comes by hearing the word of God (Rom. 10:17). She explained that as I spoke in faith—out loud—that I would hear the truth, and my faith would increase. She told me that as I kept saying, “I am healed. I am whole”, the actual healing would come to pass. She directed me to the scripture that says that anything we ask for in Jesus name and believe it will come to pass—it will happen (Mark 11:24).
And that is exactly what I was struggling with—believing my healing would actually happen. Because like I said, I was thinking, “I am not healed and whole—at least not yet.”
Although there are some different ways of thought and interpreting scripture, here is what I learned from that precious lady. I must walk in faith. I must walk in healing.
I started choosing to believe I was healed. Not that I was going to be healed, but that it was done.
This was confusing to me because I would have ultrasounds that would show the cancer still there. But I just kept believing I was healed and kept saying those words out loud.
I have no idea why some are healed and others are not. I get so confused by all of that. I often struggle with guilt of why God reached down and healed me and others have not been healed… I don’t understand.
I just don’t.
I am just choosing to continue believing and saying the things out loud that I want in my life.
I truly believe faith is everything. Whether that is faith in God, faith in your marriage, faith in your children, faith in family members, faith in friendship…
When your faith is gone, your joy is gone.
When your joy is gone, your life is gone.
When your life is gone, you aren’t really living–you are just existing.
And I wanted to LIVE! Not only be physically alive, but to truly live—to live the abundant life that Jesus died for me to have.
After months of ultrasounds still showing I had cancer, after every statistic being against me, after all of my chemo treatments, I had my mastectomy surgery to show I was cancer free!!!!!!! Finally it was proven I was healed… I no longer felt silly for saying I was healed and whole—now even people that didn’t walk in faith would believe me. I had these fantasies that when April 30th came (my cancer-free day) that the rest of life would be a cake walk- I don’t have cancer any more. I thought I would literally walk on clouds every day!
While I do at times, I realize I am still healing.
And the thing I have to remember is that I can be healed, while still be in the process of healing.
I know it can be confusing. I will try and explain.
Here is what I mean.
I am healed physically of cancer. I am healed emotionally from many effects of cancer.
But then I will catch a smell of chemo (I know that is weird to anyone that hasn’t undergone cancer treatment, but if you have, you know what I am saying), and I will get physically ill.
Someone may say a flippant statement about cancer or death and I can feel myself getting extremely defensive.
I can feel a pain in my body and fear can grip me to not wanting to leave my bed.
At 5 years post cancer, I am finally feeling more like myself.
After cancer, I went through depression, anxiety, periods of numbness, periods of over-emotionalness, periods of wanting to be alone, periods of being lonely…
What do all of those things show— I am STILL being healed.
Since Vera and Lydia have been born, I have felt more like myself than I have in the past 5 years. Healing takes time.
When my husband went through his transformation in my cancer journey, he would emphasize brokenness all of the time. He would speak to groups about the power of being broken. He is such a great speaker—raw and vulnerable—and he would share how God allowed Him to be broken.
I remember one day laying in bed talking. He was talking about being broken before God. I remember looking at him with tears in my eyes saying, “Josh, you are healed. I know you must be broken to be healed, but don’t let that fool you. You are healed.” He cried too as I think he was putting so much on the brokenness piece that he forgot he was healed.
But here’s the kicker—that didn’t mean he wasn’t broken anymore. You can be broken and healed simultaneously. In actuality, I don’t think you can be healed until you are broken and to remain healed, you must remain broken.
Am I making any sense???
For instance, you can forgive someone. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when you see them. That doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven them. That just means you have real emotions and sometimes the hurt can surface.
You can have victory over panic attacks. That doesn’t mean that you don’t have to try and know your triggers to not let them creep up.
You can have victory over depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation—that doesn’t mean you don’t put safeguards into place.
What I am trying to say here, and what God is continuing to reveal to me is that in order to walk in healing, to be healed, I have to be continually healing….
Yes the victory is the Lord’s.
Yes, IT IS DONE!
But, He is renewing us day by day and making us more and more like Him, as we heal, as we grow, as we depend on Him every second.
I think I can sometimes get discouraged when I have a really bad day caused by cancer. I can ask myself, “How did I get here? I was doing so well!!!”
God whispers to me, “You are healed, my child. But you are still healing. Depend on me. Hide my word in your heart. Speak it out loud. Abide in me. I offer healing, over and over, and over again.”
So, if you are like me and feel like you have been healed from whatever it is, then you have a moment, or multiple moments like me that bring you to your knees—just remember, you are healed, but you are still healing.
That is exactly where God wants to be–forever broken, forever needing him, and forever healed.
Healed but still healing,