Day 5 | Part 2: Our Journey Since Birth

Some of those who received the email update did not receive the last couple of paragraphs of the last post, so I will place that on here before I go into the end of Day 5:

Recap from yesterday:

She explained how she was going to keep her. She apologized profusely. She explained that this wasn’t her plan all along. She was trying to reassure me that they were not being manipulative.

I mainly just listened. And cried. And cried some more.

In a moment of silence, I explained to her how heartbroken we were. We were crushed. I explained that we had fallen in love with this little girl and couldn’t imagine her not being ours.

Meanwhile, there is a knock at the door. It is her OB/GYN. He comes in to see how she is doing, and he confirms she is doing well medically and is able to make a rational decision of adoption or not.

He asks what she has decided, and she says she has decided to keep her. He looks at me, and I am bawling. He looks at her again and reminds her of the conversations they have had about this being the best thing for the baby.

She acknowledges that but says she just can’t do it. It is easier for her to do this than adoption.

He asks her if this is her final decision, and she says, “Yes.”

He leaves the room and there were are, me sitting in a pile of tears.

I explain to her the things we have explained a million times before. Of how much she will be loved, adored, etc…

She just says she is sorry.

I pull myself together and tell her I can’t imagine being in her shoes. I affirm her as a mother and tell her I don’t know what it’s like to give birth and have that instant connection, even though I feel I have come as close to it as possible with her.

I assure her that I love her. I tell her that we won’t stop loving her, but I am very honest with how bad it hurts. We hug for a long time, and then we head back to the waiting room to tell Josh and her mom about her final decision.

As we are walking that hospital hall to the waiting room, she is rubbing my back apologizing. I am crying and still in shock that this is done. I am dreading telling Josh.

New section:

We walk down the longest hall in world, which had previously felt short, and we walk up to the birth grandma and Josh, who have no clue that the final decision has been made. I waited for a few seconds to see what she would say, and then I said it.

I couldn’t hold it back.

I said, “Well, [birth mom] has decided to keep the baby. She has made her final decision.”

Josh’s face completely broke my heart. I could tell he was crushed. Scared. Confused. Heartbroken.

It was that look though of hurt for me. He has said over and over that he is tired of me being hurt.

Being disappointed.

Hearing devastating news.

So, to see his face, of heartbreak for me…. I could hardly look at him.

The birth grandma immediately looked at our birth mom and began speaking life to her. Miracle #1.

It could have been easy for the birth grandma to get angry at her daughter, as they knew adoption was the best choice. She could have chewed her out, cussed her out, gotten mad and walked off, but instead she spoke LIFE. Life and death are in the power of the tongue.

“The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” Proverbs 18:21

The birth grandma said the things we had been praying over the birth mother before we ever even knew her.

She said, “You are smart. You have such a bright future. You are beautiful. You are funny. This is a chance for you to be the best mom you can be. We’ve talked about this. We’ve known this was a God-thing from the beginning…”

The birth grandma continued to speak life into her.

Josh and I were quiet. Tears streaming the entire time.

We knew this little girl wasn’t going to be going home with us, but we still had and have such a heart for this woman. For the birth mom and her own mom. They have truly become family. When they hurt, we hurt.

The birth mom just kind of sat there as her mom cried and spoke these words to her. But she stayed firm in her decision. She just said that she couldn’t do it.

Sitting there in silence, I am thinking, “What do we do?” “Do we give them space? Do we leave and tell our family? Do we wait around until the baby is taken from the hospital?”

Josh had already packed up our hospital room. He later told me that he couldn’t fathom going in there after everything had gone down and having to pack up everything in tears. He was trying to shield us from as many devastating moments as possible.

So, we sat there in silence, and Josh asked if we can pray with them. They give a resounding, “YES!”

The four of us gathered together in the corner of the small waiting room and Josh prayed. I sat next to the birth mom with my arm around her. Josh got on his knees and we all laid hands on her. And then, the Holy Spirit, yes the Holy Spirit prayed a prayer that was so powerful and incredible, I felt the tangible presence of God.

Let me tell you, I am not someone who over-spiritualizes things. I try not the be a “Jesus juker” where I always draw something spiritual out of something. But for those of you who have actually felt the tangible presence of God, it is something that changes you.

Something you can’t doubt or question once you feel it, and there we were. There the presence of God was.

I’ve never heard Josh pray like that.

And he didn’t pray that we would have the baby.

It wasn’t a selfish prayer. It was a prayer of trust in God’s perfect sovereignty.

He prayed for wisdom. For protection of the baby. He prayed that the birth mom would know she is valued, worthy—that she wasn’t a failure–that she was a child of the Most High God.

That He had a plan for her life and it is GOOD. That God would give her peace and direction moving forward. That he would guard all of our hearts…the prayer was fairly lengthy.

And to be honest, I don’t remember it all. I probably couldn’t hear all of it either through all of our sobs, but it was so powerful.

After Josh got done praying, we were all in a bucket of tears.

We all took a deep breath and Josh and I were getting ready to give our final hugs, “I love yous” and goodbyes.

But God- YES, BUT GOD!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the moment you all have been waiting for.

The moment the tide turned.

The moment a tangible miracle happened. The moment everything we had prayed for since I started my chemotherapy treatment on October 28, 2011 happened.

The birth mom said, ” I want to sign the adoption paperwork.”

My heart dropped and leaped. Of course, I wanted to get a paper and have her sign ASAP. She said it, so let’s get it done!!!

But we had to be wise. We knew that her decision had to be rational and it couldn’t be emotion based. We all had a “Woah, woah, woah” moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After all, just minutes before she had said that she was keeping her, and it was her final decision.

All of the angst that was on her face that morning was immediately taken away.

Y’all, I promise I am not over exaggerating or over spiritualizing this. You have to believe me! It was as if a calm covered her and a peace that I have never seen before.

Remember how I asked for specific prayers that she would be given an unshakeable confidence in her decision? We were seeing this transpire before our very eyes.

She just kept saying, “No, I want to sign the papers.”

We were all still crying and inquiring her about what she was feeling. She explained that after we prayed, God told her that she was supposed to place the baby with us. She said she had no doubt about it.

She said that God spoke to her and told her it was the thing to do.

Uhhhh……what do you say to that?!!!?

I’m not going to say I didn’t believe her, but you have to be leary, right?!

She continued to say that she felt God speak to her one other time in her life, and it just happened again. Right after we prayed.

Her mom immediately started crying and we suggested calling our attorney and mental health counselor. We had to have the birth mom evaluated to make sure she was making a rational decision.

This was about 2 o clock on Monday afternoon.

The  birth mom and birth grandma walked outside and said they were going to come back up in a minute and were going to call our attorney and get the process started.

As they walked downstairs, Josh and I were staring in amazement at each other. I remember saying, “Did that seriously just happen?” I think I even screamed out, “This is a freaking lifetime movie!”

I have to tell you the really real parts too:)

I then let out an ugly, loud cry, and Josh managed to get pictures of me. **Sidebar– I mean who does that? Who breaks out the camera phone to take pictures of me losing it?!?!?**

He said we would be glad to have it one day. I guess he’s right:) Still funny and a little bit ridiculous though.

We then were sitting in the waiting room all by ourselves wondering if this was actually going to happen. We knew there were still several more things that needed to be evaluated: The birth mom’s mental state, all of the legal paperwork, a court reporter had to be there, and the state had to re-do everything with this being so last-minute.

We were careful to not let ourselves get too excited, as so many things had to fall perfectly into place.

About an hour later, our attorney arrived at the hospital, followed by the mental health counselor, as well as all the other authorities to make this happen.

As the birth mom and birth grandma walked back up, the birth mom continued to have this glow about her. Everyone was commenting on it. The birth grandma even said, “I’ve got my girl back.” Speaking of her daughter finally seeming more like herself.

I now, totally believe it was the presence of the Holy Spirt, giving the birth mom an unexplainable peace.

She was then evaluated and the same story was told and recounted by many.

She felt God tell her that this is what she was supposed to do, and she had no question about it after we prayed. She was of course evaluated to make sure this was a sound decision and all of the professionals agreed- she was.

So, we all gathered in our hospital room (the empty hospital room Josh already cleaned out) and had an hour long signing process. We had a room full, as there had to be witnesses and to make sure every “I” was dotted and every “T” crossed.

It was mainly the attorney and the birth mom discussing things the entire time. I was in awe and honestly, much of the time, I felt like I was in a dream.

Josh and I would catch glimpses of one another throughout the signing process and I just couldn’t look at him. I knew I would either cry and or smile so big and I didn’t need any other distractions—or I might laugh— I have a knack at laughing at the most inappropriate moments.

Don’t judge. I really don’t like that about myself. I get uncomfortable and laugh. Although at this moment, laughter was far from me. Thank you Jesus.

Gosh, I’m so weird.

Anyway, our attorney was awesome. He was so specific about everything, and we were so thankful he was able to rush to the hospital. There are so many details and answered prayers to explain…if I talk to you in person, I can tell you more. Just too much to write!

So, we got done with the paperwork, and I gave the birth mom the biggest hug.

The same hospital room we sat in just hours ago, thinking I was losing this precious baby, we were now sitting in, signing paperwork that would officially make her ours.

In one moment, in one split second, she is ours. Oh, there are so many spiritual parallels here— I can’t wait to write more on this.

But it was DONE. We hugged over and over. Lots of “I love yous.” The birth mom said she was so at peace, and felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of her shoulders.

After the paperwork was signed, I walked them out of the hospital room and it was so bittersweet. I didn’t want to tell them goodbye, but we had to.

One last long hug, and then a goodbye. I just stood there by our hospital door watching them walk away. As the birth mom got halfway down the hall (the same hall that seemed a mile long after she explained her first decision), she turned around, looked back at me, and said,

“Congratulations, Mom.”

Tears.

Kisses were blown and I was in shock. I was in awe.

As I walked back into our hospital room, our attorney and the rest of the team was in there. There were hugs and amazement all around.

No one had been a part of something like that- so miraculous. We were just in awe.

We truly believed a battle was happening that day. A battle for our sweet, precious, beautiful little girl’s heart and soul.

It was because of prayers, yes, your prayers that our baby is now with us in a condo in Florida, as we are waiting out all of the state clearances.

Yes, I saw God heal me of cancer, but that was gradually.

It was a process. It wasn’t immediate. It was a journey. And it was a beautiful, heart wrenching one at that.

But this, this adoption process that happened on March 16th, was a miracle.

It wasn’t gradual. It was an immediate heart change after a prayer.

After a prayer where Josh allowed the Holy Spirit to pray through Him that God did the impossible.

A true miracle happened in front of us that day.

We are living with a little miracle. The most beautiful miracle we’ve ever laid our eyes on. We are so in love and don’t have to guard our hearts anymore. She has all of our love for all of her life.

She’s ours. Forever.

Next, we’ll share the journey of how we told our parents and how we met up with the birth mother and birth grand mother the next day before we left. We were concerned that the following day, she would be depressed and question her decision.

We can’t wait to tell you what happened the following day. The miracles and God’s favor keep coming…