Day 4 In The Fight For Our Baby

Sunday morning we were awaiting the birth mother to arrive at the hospital. We had no idea what all was going through her head, but we just wanted to see her. We wanted to talk to her, express our hearts and hear hers.

9 o clock came, 10 o clock came, 11 o clock came, and then noon. I was expecting her to get there by then as she said she would come by that morning.

I knew that there was a chance she might continue to show up, but we just felt that us seeing her and talking to her on Sunday was crucial. We knew a forced decision would be made Monday, and we were hoping a God-ordained conversation would happen on Sunday so that it wouldn’t come to Monday.

Our parents went to church Sunday morning without us, as we felt like we could’t leave the hospital if for even one minute. One, we didn’t want to leave our baby, and two, we knew that the birth mom was supposed to head up there, and we wanted to make sure we were there were when she was.

Josh left to meet our parents for lunch, but you could not have paid me enough money to leave the hospital. I was trying to balance being obsessive with being at the nursery all day, every hour, with just coming by at feeding time. I probably went more of the obsessive route:)

Sunday was by far the most emotionally tough day. Not much was happening. There was little contact between our attorney, our mental health counselor, our birth family, and the mood at the hospital was not very positive.

To be honest, it felt like this would  be our last day/night with our precious angel.

Those moments we had with her days ago, where our hearts were taken out of us and given to this little face—now, it was as if we were trying to disconnect.

But it wasn’t possible.

How do you take back your emotions when they’ve already been given away? It isn’t possible.

Vulnerability- one of the best and worst gifts we can give. It is often referenced in relationships and how scary it is to give someone you heart.

Well, let me tell you- you don’t know vulnerability until you give your heart to a little soul you believe to be yours, and then realize it could be taken away- in an instant.

I was silent most of Sunday. I had given Josh complete control of my phone at this point. I was frustrated with the whole situation. I was frustrated with the state, frustrated with the attorney, frustrated with the counselor, frustrated with the birth family. I was just mad. Then sad. Then sick.

Then press repeat on that cycle again and again. This was our Sunday, March 15, 2015.

We did end up hearing from the birth grandma saying that she and the birth mom were heading to the hospital that afternoon- there was hope again!

So, we got back on the hope train, just to learn the birth mother ended up not feeling well, so they decided not to come. They were supposed to be at the hospital first thing Monday morning.

Another day. Another day that seemed like a year. With a little life in the balance.

I was falling into a pretty depressed state that day. Then I could see it carrying over into Josh.

It was similar, but also totally different to when I was going through cancer. There were times and days that we both were so emotionally spent that we couldn’t help one another.

I would share a fear to Josh during my cancer journey and he couldn’t offer anything back. And vice versa. When you are hurting and so broken down, you aren’t necessarily in a place to help another and that’s where we were.

We felt like anytime we spent with this precious baby girl, could be one of our last moments.

Josh went to eat supper that night with our parents, and from what I gathered, there was little conversation and it was a short supper at Wendy’s. He knew to not get me anything, because I would probably throw it up anyway…sorry if TMI:)

We talked and discussed that it would be a good idea to have our parents come up to the hospital that night and spend some time with our sweet girl. We knew this could be their last time with her—even writing that now makes me sick to my stomach. And I only thought my appetite was coming back!

Do you see what you are doing to me?!!!!?

Anyway, my mom came back first and got to spend time with her. We arranged for each of our parents to see her for about 20-30 minutes separately. My mom had a lot on her plate, as my grandmother, her mom, has been sick and she was feeling torn being here with us, but also being away from her.

Then, Josh’s parents came back and got to see her. More tears, prayers, and once again a somber mood thinking that this little girl might be taken from them too. We all were so invested. Heart invested.

After our families left, we just cried and stared at her. We explained to her how much we loved her. How she is chosen by God and He has great plans for her life, whether she was ours or not.

But we were praying FIERCELY that she would be a Taylor. Not because we are the answer. But because we felt so strongly that God had led us to her.

I can’t even tell you the amount of conversations that we have had with the birth family that we all felt so clear that this was God’s will. We had such assurance, and for it to be shaken, and not only shaken, but shattered—it was confusing.

So, Sunday night was a night of intense love for this baby, but also a confusion of emotions as we were trying to emotionally disconnect.

It was impossible. Completely, undeniably impossible.

And now we wait, AGAIN. On to Monday, March 16th, Day 5 since birth.